I was setting in my easy chair, when the door bell rang. It took me a few minutes to get up out of the chair, after several tries. I shuffled to the door and opened it. A man standing at the door looked as if he was saying, what took you so damn long?
He handed me an envelope and I took it. I asked, if he was substituting for the mail carrier and he replied “NO” and then said; this is not your regular mail, it is more of an invitation. As he turned and went on his way. I wobbled back to my chair and opened the envelope. It said: Greeting from your Home Town County Clerk of Courts. It went on to say that I was to appear before his Honorable Judge, at such a time on a given date.
That date arrived and I was there, but his Honor was late in arriving. When he did arrive, he slipped into his Red Robe and screwed around with his chair then sat down and pounded on a block of wood on his desk, with a wooden hammer. He said: this court is now in session. The clerk called my name and told me to come forward. It took a little time as I was so slow the Judge asked someone to help me and show me where to set.
The clerk brought the Bible and told me to place my left hand on the book and raise my right hand in the air. Which I did. Then he said: Do you swear to tell the truth, before God and this court, so help you God? “Your Honor, “I never swear”, but I do promise to tell the truth.
He squinted eyes as he pointed his finger at me, and said: have you been here before ? I said: “No sir”, I have not. Then he said: are you sure, because I think I know you and we have met before.
Then he read the charges and said: You have been accused of Patronizing this lady, Harassing her and saying false things about her. I replied: What did you say Judge? He pounded on his little block of wood again, and said: when you address me you will say, Your Honor. I am sorry, I am almost blind and my hearing is really bad.
Again the Judge said: You are accused knocking this lady over and breaking her false teeth and kicking her while she was down. “No sir, Not me, I said”! Okay, let’s hear your side of the story?
I replied , well Judge, Fire came from his eyes and steam came out of his ears’, he said you will address me as “Your Honor” when speaking to me! Then he asked, how long have you known this women? Over 75 years, Your Honor. How is it that you have known her for so long? Well your Honor, we have lived together for more that 70 of those years. Are you married to this women? No sir, I replied!
Is this the women, that cooks for you? “She is or was, your honor”. Does she keep house for you and do your laundry and all that stuff ? “Yes, your Honor.” And you are not married to her. “That’s right your Honor”. And how long has she been doing this” For seventy five years, your Honor. And what did you do in this relation ship? I ran a business, worked and provided all the money and repaired things as they broke, painted and took care of the yard, ran errands and drove her to wherever she had to go, paid her doctor bills and provided everything she needed and helped to raise the kids.
Do you have children? “Yes your Honor”. How many?, “Seven your honor”. Why is it that you never married? Well, Your Honor, everything went so perfect, there was no need to.
Well, can you tell me how this disagreement got started, replied the Judge. “Well your Honor,” One day, as I sat in my chair with a blanket over my shoulders and one on my lap, she came running to me and She got a hold of my hand and pulled me up on my feet. She said something like, Cosko ninketchup animors, but I just stood there.
She took my hand and was going to pull me along behind her. Our hands separated and I was already in motion. As she ran, her upper plate came lose and fell to the floor. She bent over to pick it up, and about the same time I fell over her, hit my head on something and was taken to the hospital and required sutures in my scalp.
That was when she spoke up and said: Your Honor, I did not say what he said, I said. What I told him was, If you can catch me, he could have his way with me” in what ever he wanted to do.
Your Honor, she has always been highly over sexed and we made love nine or ten times a week, until I was over eighty, Sometimes we never even got out of bed on the week-ends. I am ninety three now and I just didn’t have what it takes any longer.
One day she said to me, let’s get married so we can go on a honeymoon. And I asked why? She said so we can play all the games newly married people do! I said “No way”!
That did not answer my question about marriage, said the Judge. Well, Your Honor, after seventy good years together, I didn’t want to ruin a good thing.
And how old is this lady? I am not sure Your Honor. She has given me four or five different dates and I buy a birthday gift for her, on each of those dates.
(The Judge Dismissed the case!)
High up in the Tibetan Mountains, there is an old man, who has an Book that has all the answers in it. They think the old original wise man that knew everything, is dead, He just sets there and hasn’t moved in years. The judge, contacted the new wise man and requested a solution to our problem, But he is old and slow, like me. and so far there has been no response.
Nov. 16, 2012
By; Ben R. ?
No comments:
Post a Comment