I once heard that everything in Texas was Bigger, Better, Faster, More powerful, The girls were Prettier and Texas was Fifty years ahead of the rest of the nation.
You know, They were right. The liars were faster, told bigger lies. The farts were stronger and more powerful and often caused cattle to stampede, the girls had bigger boobs, bigger butts, that were four times larger, than other girls. They all had blonde hair, bright red lips, rosy cheeks, tight jeans or cut off shorts with strings hanging down and they wore a red or blue bandana for a bra. They all ate steak and potatoes and drank cactus acid with sour cream, at breakfast. Don't ask !
Everything in Texas costs more, They had more un-paved roads, with few to no road signs, there are no speed limits for pick-up trucks, unless they are not a ford. The smallest bird weighed close to a forty pounds and are faster than a speeding bullet. The people were all cowboys and cowgirls and all professional people were brought in from Kansas and Oklahoma, The doctors were all trained in Potcreek , Kentucky, and anyone that could cook, came from the lower Mississippi valley. Texans are
You know, They were right. The liars were faster, told bigger lies. The farts were stronger and more powerful and often caused cattle to stampede, the girls had bigger boobs, bigger butts, that were four times larger, than other girls. They all had blonde hair, bright red lips, rosy cheeks, tight jeans or cut off shorts with strings hanging down and they wore a red or blue bandana for a bra. They all ate steak and potatoes and drank cactus acid with sour cream, at breakfast. Don't ask !
Everything in Texas costs more, They had more un-paved roads, with few to no road signs, there are no speed limits for pick-up trucks, unless they are not a ford. The smallest bird weighed close to a forty pounds and are faster than a speeding bullet. The people were all cowboys and cowgirls and all professional people were brought in from Kansas and Oklahoma, The doctors were all trained in Potcreek , Kentucky, and anyone that could cook, came from the lower Mississippi valley. Texans are
home schooled and kids are selected carefully for schooling.
Everyone in Texas knew how to make an X, to sign their name and the fastest messages were sent by tying it to a blowing sage brush. Indians pounded on drums and sent up smoke signals. while Mexicans rang bells and shoot holes in the ski. A guy by the name of Jimmy Dean, made all the sausages in Texas.
The saloons were used as mortuaries until noon, then the bars opened and closed again just before sun-up. If anyone had to have a drink before that, they had to go to the church or the dress shop. If you were old enough to drink, you could carry six shooters, one on each hip, one in your belt, one in your vest pocket, one small one in your hat, and one in your boot. If you carried a knife, it had to be visible for everyone to see. Rocks are rare in Texas, and are sold like diamonds. It is against the law to remove dirt from Texas.
A barrel of oil is twice the size as a barrel of oil in other states and only cost half as much to produce and it is sold for four time the money, as it was so much better. So when a Texan tells you something, just say “Wow” or whistle Dixie.
All Texans wear cowboy boots with shinny silver spurs! They start at age four months and when they die, they are buried with their boots on. If you are seen wearing boots from Sears or Penny’s, you will be hung, You cannot swim in a river without your boots on or they will be drag you behind a Ford pick-up! If you go bare-footed in a Texas town, you can be sent to see a judge and have to pay a fine. Another thing you can be hung for is, kissing a Cow, Horses and old dogs “Yes” Cows “NO” You can also be whipped for looking at girls who are topless, unless they are smiling at you! You cannot use your own deck of cards when gambling in saloons! The girls up-stairs are in a separate business. You have to use the stairs inside when going up and the back stairs when you leave. These girls were not there for severing drinks, but they were allowed to solicit customers from the saloon.
The girls from the ranches all eat steak, eggs, pan cakes and potatoes for breakfast and finger sandwiches at lunch. Supper is their big meal and it is usually a barbeque with beans, Chili, Cactus juice. and stuff like that. What is Cactus juice? Damned if I know! Dinner is only served on Sundays if you have company. Girls wear tight jeans, boots, cowboy hats, and a ladies hanky in their shirt pocket. Flowered hats with ribbons and hand bags are out. Umbrellas are replaced with Ponchos. No credit cards are ever used, some use small colored stones for treading with the Indians. When a Texan gives his word or promises something, The Ranch family always backs the deal.
It takes days to go from one ranch to another. Texas is so big, parts of it are in New Mexico, Mexico, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas & Louisiana. How much of those states they clam, I do not know! It is only by their most generous nature that they allow people to live in the other parts of those adjoining states. But they lay claim to the Moon and Mars and I hear they are building a space shuttle to haul or move a bunch of cattle there in the near future.
I have been told that a Texan, always put an old dirty horse shoe in the bottom of the pot before he makes coffee. If they can’t find a lose shoe. They make the horse put his or her foot in the pot while it cooks over the fire. Kids drink root beer, and have often been found in cellars intoxicated! But they always do this with their boots on and the root beer is always strained through a burlap potato sack first. One Texas potato is enough to feed a family of twelve adults and ten children. Garden carrots are so large they have to be hooked to a tractor to be pulled from the ground! Texas Onions are so strong that they can cause a storm to change directions. And you haven’t seen anything, until you see a Texan ride a Wild Rabbit. Texans don't buy toys for their babies, They just hand them a raddlesnake to play with!
The language they use, is a little different than what we use here in the north. You are never sure what they are saying and they sure don’t like to repeat what they have said. So don’t ask them to repeat anything that they said! Watch out for them six shooters and keep an eye on that knife!
The children all have Ponies, Eat special “T cereal” made from Sage brush grain and horse radish. Milk is never used, milk is for feeding the little baby cows, which are often called caves or youngons. Youngons can be anything, from one day of age to fourteen years and over that, they are said to be “legal”. All ranches have bunk houses and they are large enough to sleep thirty six cow punchers. They also have their own kitchen with one cook and two helpers and a French mate-tra-dee or a Mexican matador!
The main house is for the ranch owners and their foremen, which is usually three for a fifty thousand acre
Everyone in Texas knew how to make an X, to sign their name and the fastest messages were sent by tying it to a blowing sage brush. Indians pounded on drums and sent up smoke signals. while Mexicans rang bells and shoot holes in the ski. A guy by the name of Jimmy Dean, made all the sausages in Texas.
The saloons were used as mortuaries until noon, then the bars opened and closed again just before sun-up. If anyone had to have a drink before that, they had to go to the church or the dress shop. If you were old enough to drink, you could carry six shooters, one on each hip, one in your belt, one in your vest pocket, one small one in your hat, and one in your boot. If you carried a knife, it had to be visible for everyone to see. Rocks are rare in Texas, and are sold like diamonds. It is against the law to remove dirt from Texas.
A barrel of oil is twice the size as a barrel of oil in other states and only cost half as much to produce and it is sold for four time the money, as it was so much better. So when a Texan tells you something, just say “Wow” or whistle Dixie.
All Texans wear cowboy boots with shinny silver spurs! They start at age four months and when they die, they are buried with their boots on. If you are seen wearing boots from Sears or Penny’s, you will be hung, You cannot swim in a river without your boots on or they will be drag you behind a Ford pick-up! If you go bare-footed in a Texas town, you can be sent to see a judge and have to pay a fine. Another thing you can be hung for is, kissing a Cow, Horses and old dogs “Yes” Cows “NO” You can also be whipped for looking at girls who are topless, unless they are smiling at you! You cannot use your own deck of cards when gambling in saloons! The girls up-stairs are in a separate business. You have to use the stairs inside when going up and the back stairs when you leave. These girls were not there for severing drinks, but they were allowed to solicit customers from the saloon.
The girls from the ranches all eat steak, eggs, pan cakes and potatoes for breakfast and finger sandwiches at lunch. Supper is their big meal and it is usually a barbeque with beans, Chili, Cactus juice. and stuff like that. What is Cactus juice? Damned if I know! Dinner is only served on Sundays if you have company. Girls wear tight jeans, boots, cowboy hats, and a ladies hanky in their shirt pocket. Flowered hats with ribbons and hand bags are out. Umbrellas are replaced with Ponchos. No credit cards are ever used, some use small colored stones for treading with the Indians. When a Texan gives his word or promises something, The Ranch family always backs the deal.
It takes days to go from one ranch to another. Texas is so big, parts of it are in New Mexico, Mexico, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas & Louisiana. How much of those states they clam, I do not know! It is only by their most generous nature that they allow people to live in the other parts of those adjoining states. But they lay claim to the Moon and Mars and I hear they are building a space shuttle to haul or move a bunch of cattle there in the near future.
I have been told that a Texan, always put an old dirty horse shoe in the bottom of the pot before he makes coffee. If they can’t find a lose shoe. They make the horse put his or her foot in the pot while it cooks over the fire. Kids drink root beer, and have often been found in cellars intoxicated! But they always do this with their boots on and the root beer is always strained through a burlap potato sack first. One Texas potato is enough to feed a family of twelve adults and ten children. Garden carrots are so large they have to be hooked to a tractor to be pulled from the ground! Texas Onions are so strong that they can cause a storm to change directions. And you haven’t seen anything, until you see a Texan ride a Wild Rabbit. Texans don't buy toys for their babies, They just hand them a raddlesnake to play with!
The language they use, is a little different than what we use here in the north. You are never sure what they are saying and they sure don’t like to repeat what they have said. So don’t ask them to repeat anything that they said! Watch out for them six shooters and keep an eye on that knife!
The children all have Ponies, Eat special “T cereal” made from Sage brush grain and horse radish. Milk is never used, milk is for feeding the little baby cows, which are often called caves or youngons. Youngons can be anything, from one day of age to fourteen years and over that, they are said to be “legal”. All ranches have bunk houses and they are large enough to sleep thirty six cow punchers. They also have their own kitchen with one cook and two helpers and a French mate-tra-dee or a Mexican matador!
The main house is for the ranch owners and their foremen, which is usually three for a fifty thousand acre
rance. Texas is known as Heaven on Earth, by Texans or, A Hell hole on wheels, by the people, in the North, South, East and West, but I am still trying to think of a name that can be believed and used in mixed company.
How would you like another beer made in Milwaukee? We have popcorn from Iowa, Pretzels from Pennsylvania, and chips from Idaho. You can visit with people from all over the states almost anywhere. And we have no way of changing the weather for you.
We offer what we have, at a fare price and it is, no better than the same item, somewhere else. Clean air is free and you can have all you want, Our coffee costs too much, so drink, root beer from our ice cream counters, in the a.m. and the bars open at noon and stay open until closing which is around midnight.
How would you like another beer made in Milwaukee? We have popcorn from Iowa, Pretzels from Pennsylvania, and chips from Idaho. You can visit with people from all over the states almost anywhere. And we have no way of changing the weather for you.
We offer what we have, at a fare price and it is, no better than the same item, somewhere else. Clean air is free and you can have all you want, Our coffee costs too much, so drink, root beer from our ice cream counters, in the a.m. and the bars open at noon and stay open until closing which is around midnight.
Enjoy your stay and come back soon.
I work for the Chamber of Commerce, for three dollars & fifty cents an hour! And they are an equal opportunity employer ........
By; Ben R. 2-14-09
I work for the Chamber of Commerce, for three dollars & fifty cents an hour! And they are an equal opportunity employer ........
By; Ben R. 2-14-09
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