"The Last Celebration"

When Holidays come and go and there are so many of them that you want to forget about parties and such. We all tend to save those special days like birthdays, anniversaries and celebrate them all on one selected day.

This is usually on a day when most people can come. We selected a Sunday and the main reason was, it was my eighty ninth birthday and no one thought that I would be around much longer.

Members of the family got together and planned and organized the event. They left nothing out, right down to the last quarter inch. It would be a dinner  of all dinners.

My wife and her helpers were really busy for several days prior to that Sunday. The plans had been gone over a number of time to make sure it would be perfect. The day arrived and the people invited were not showing up at the time given.

Make all the plans you want, but people just will not adhere to your plans. The food and drink were to be served as close to twelve thirty, as possible. It was two forty-five when people sat down at the table.

My sister was the last to arrive and her son was with her, He had been away for basic training at a Marine training station. I never did like this kid from the time he was a baby and I still didn’t like him. We were never sure of who his father was, my sister was dating three guys at the same time, when she became pregnant. 

The kid was around twenty, had a long narrow face, no eye brows, ears like an elephant, beady eyes and his mouth was round and about the size of a fifty cent coin. Apparently he had cut paint chip samples into the size of campaign ribbons and stuck the on his jacket, My sister said, his name was Morris and said he was an honored guest.

He then went to the Liquor cabinet and poured himself a drink. Then he set down in my personal living room chair. I stood there by him, expecting him to get up and let me have my chair, but he told me there was another chair across the room. 

My sister’s son was an unexpected guest, so the guest list was now at nine-teen people. Dinner was announced, being a good host, I let the guests find their places at the table, before taking my own place at the head of the table. For as long as I can remember, my place was at the head of the table and place cards with names were there for everyone. When I got there, I found this Idiot, setting in my chair, I felt that I had to tell our guests that the hostess had a reason for the seating arrangement, expecting this dumb kid to move, but he didn’t.  He had placed his name card at the head of the table, when no one was watching. He then picked up the card with his name on it and said: Guess this is where I am to set.

My wife was giving me that look, that said, If you do, your life won’t be worth a nickel from now on. The person setting in the first chair on the right, stood up and went to another empty chair, so I could set down in this chair that he was seated at.. Then this kid said to me, now don’t spill anything on my uniform. I had a fork in hand, and my wife’s eyes were telling me “don’t you dare”! She was seated just across the table from me.

For a reason unknown, my chair tipped and I fell to the floor, the idiot at the head of the table extended his hand to help me up. He had one of them, fun house stingers, hidden in his hand and he got me with it. This time when I fell, my hand or fingers, somehow pulled a skirt down on a older lady, all the way to the floor. I had heard that this old girl never wore any under things, and now I know for sure!

I have heard of people that read your future in a crystal balls and people that read the life lines in your hands or the bumps on your head. But have you ever heard of a person that reads the wrinkles in ones butt? Maybe this would be a career that would interest you.

This was when the door bell rang, it was the Idiot’s, girl friend. Her hair was orange, yellow, red, blue gray, green and she wore a dozen or more Necklace’s around her neck and she had pierced ears, lips , eye lids and nose. But the one that stood out, was ones on her tongue.

You couldn’t tell if her clothing was half on or half off. She was loud, talked filthy and never stopped talking. Some of our guests were already under the table, from being embarrassed.

Since there was no place for her to set, she found a spoon and was sampling the foods from the serving dishes. The idiot was waving a spoon full of something around in the air, and when it left the spoon, it all landed in my face. The next thing he did, was to knock over the gravy pitcher and that all went into my lap. This time I had to excuse myself and go change clothing.

When I returned, Uncle Ed and brother Jeff, were arguing about my mother’s will and shouting at each other. Aunt Emmy, was pounding the table with her Cane, when she accidentally hit the punch bowl and it shattered. What ever was in that bowl is now dissolving the expensive laced table cloth. 

Then two of the ladies got into a hair pulling contest, one was the girl friend with the multi colored hair and the other was bald lady with a wig. Couldn’t tell who she was!

My wife had disappeared. I went to the kitchen, but she wasn’t there. She left a note on the refrigerator door, telling me to read the note that she pined on my pillow. Up stairs, the bed room door was locked and I couldn’t get in. I put an ear to the door and couldn’t hear anything. Went down the hall and opened the bathroom door, thinking I could get into the bed room from the bathroom and the scream that came out, sounded like a hundred banshees and that made the ceiling chandelier fall and shatter on the floor.

I closed the door, but the odor caused me to pass out. When I recovered, I crawled to the top of the stairs and tumbled to the bottom. At the bottom, I stood up and in the mirror, I saw a tired, worn out old man, looking back at me.

Then things were so out of control and I could not locate the phone, to call for help. Couldn’t find the phone, but I did find the cord it was attached to. So I went to my gun rack, took out a twelve gage with shells, back to the dining room and the first shot destroyed the China cabinet and everything in it. I fired several more shots, that made the people run, but I had blown the whole west wall out of the dinning room.

From there, I went into the living room and from behind the couch where I had stored all the good drinking stuff, I selected a bottle and found a plastic glass as I was passing through the kitchen, went out a door to the garage, got in the car, and carefully placed the bottle on the seat. Started the engine and put the car in reverse and the door behind me came apart into a thousand pieces as I left the garage. 

Down the road, several miles, I stopped at the Cozy Motel, where they rent rooms by the hour. I am setting here on the bed with my bottle and glass In hand and I have called for room service. A knock on the door and there stood a very pretty young and innocent looking girl. Her first words were, Room Service!

I handed her the keys to my car and told her to sell it and take what money she wanted and donate the rest to a worthy cause. I took the note from my pillow and read it again. Is said: Your brother Jeff and I are in love, we are running away and getting married. I won’t wait for a divorce, as I know you will do the right thing. Then I turned the gas valve wide open and poured myself another drink. Decided to have a cigarette and struck a match.

I never knew that one person could be in so many places at the same time!

Now it is many years later and I am setting here on the edge of this cloud looking down. A soft gentle, loving voice, came from behind that said: Come away from the edge son, before you fall!  It was my Mother and she still loved me. 

My advice. Never let anyone plan a birthday party for you after the age of forty and then shoot yourself before you are eighty.

By: Ben R,  ☺

Feb. 12, 2013