A crime committed in the Jungle

There was a crime committed deep in the Jungle .

Tarzan was using a Vine to swing from one side of a cliff to the other. Someone greased the vine and his hands slipped about half way across and down he went. He yelled his famous yell and the

jungle came alive, but as you know Tarzan only had two friends, an Elephant and a Chimp called Cheetah. That is if you don’t count Jane as a friend.

As Tarzan was falling , alligators were gathering for a banquet, bibs in place and knife and fork in hand . But as Tarzan fell with his arms and legs kicking and waving, his famous yell grew weaker and weaker. The tribes and animals didn’t know if they were going to have steak or stew, that depended where Tarzan landed, on a rock or in a bush. Who knew what was going to happen next?

The alligators all gathered at a place where they all thought he would land in the water. Little sun light ever got to this place so deep in the gorge, so the jungle is thick, heavy and difficult to get around in. Natives from all the villages were beating on their drums and word was spread through-out the jungle within seconds.

One old chief was dancing around a fire when he stepped on hot coals and let out a cry that drowned out all the other noise that come from within the jungle . This was going to be a day that would be remembered here after.

Mean while, back in Merry Old England, the Queen was addressing her court when she received the news about Tarzan. In the US , Bush is saying that Tarzan was a member of al Qaida and is asking for an investigation. Hillary say’s she needs more money and information before she can reply. She also needs clear it with Bill before she makes a statement.

In Rapid City, SD , Alen. Hanks takes over as the Cities new Mayor. At the same time, at a Library in Washington State, L. Hall is saying that Tarzan’s book will never do as good as Harry Potter’s book did! Tarzan’s book is far more outlandish and unbelievable than the adventures of Harry Potter.

But back to the story of "Crime in the Jungle". Who could have put grease on that vine, or was it grease at all? What else could it have been.? Could Cheetah have used that vine for,? “No” she wouldn’t have done that,. “Or would she ?” Someone needs to get a DNA sample and have it analyzed, maybe the cells structure will give us a clue as to who the culprit is.

To the south, Alligators are attacking Water Buffalo, at the watering holes and Hippo’s are stomping the life out of the Alligators and there has been an outbreak of violence throughout the Jungle. Tribe’s that were friendly with each other are now throwing rocks and spears at one an other, "Will there be a War" What will happen to the children and who will clam them young girls from the diminishing tribes? Has the time come to trade in the old women for younger ones? You would never get a better deal at Wal-Mart, K-Mart or even at Shop-Ko. And in the Jungle you get trading stamps, redeemable any where.

High up in Tarzan’s tree house, Jane hears all the drums but doesn’t know what they are saying. At the base of this tree is an old lion who was once called the King of Beasts, he is circling around the base of the tree and the drums messages are exciting him as he knows he may once again become the King of the jungle. Tarzan always came home every night, but Jane and he had better things to do than learn about what the sound of drums meant. He and Jane were busy- making, Boy! That’s what Tarzan calls the young lad in his jungle movies! “Boy”.

All of a sudden, the jungle goes quiet, where is Tarzan ? He should have hit the ground by now. But there has been no word, where can he be? As you know, in a jungle, there are always branches, roots and vines growing out of the canyon sides. Did Tarzan manage to get a hold of one them as he was falling ?

So you think you already know how this story goes, don’t you? Well you are wrong! It was one of them prehistoric birds that swished down and grabbed him in midair and carried him away high up into the mountains and put him in her nest with her other hatching eggs. You guessed it, Tarzan is about to join a new family.

The beak on this mother bird , is longer than Tarzan is tall and sharper than his Jim Bowie knife. Yeah, they sell them things everywhere and they are a lot cheaper if you buy one in the African jungle. Now this nest was so high above the clouds and one could not see what was below them. Tarzan had no idea where he was and it was useless to yell his famous yell. Who would hear it and know it was Tarzan?

A commercial Air line flew over once a day, but it was so high he could hardly see it, let alone for them to seem him. It would have to be a big signal fire for them to see from so far up above. Air lines never flew over the Jungle at home, so he knew he wasn’t in south Africa. Maybe in north Africa or high up in one of then satellite countries.

As time passed, this Big Bird has been feeding the new hatch lings so they can grow strong and learn how to fly and leave the nest. That is all but one and this one is becoming to be a big headache. One by one she pushed her chicks over the edge of the nest to test their wings. But when she pushed this funny looking one over the edge, she had to fly by his side and rescue him before he hit the ground. She was becoming very depressed and embarrassed by the strange looking off-spring and had to keep him hidden for others in the flock. She decided that one more time she would try to get him to fly and if he didn’t he would just hit the ground and be dead and no longer a worry to her. But at the last minute she flew

down grabbed him and set him on the ground and then flew away not looking back

I feel it best not to use the name of "Big Bird," as there is a chance that we could be sued for infringing on a name of that Big Yellow Bird. Let's just think of our bird as just a Dumb Bird with no feathers!

Dumb Bird ( alias Tarzan ) started traveling around the country and try to locate some thing that was familiar and find his own territory. Meanwhile, deep in the Jungle the crime had turned into mystery. What had happened to Tarzan, there was no trace to be found. Rewards were offered and grew to a vast sum. Still there were no takers. One tribe would accuse another of hanky panky and so it went on and on.. It was looking more and more that a war would take place. Some tribes were in favor of war and others said they had to be sure of what they were fighting about. Still others said the jungle was getting crowded and needed to be thinned out to make room for new children. High up in Tarzan's tree house,

"Boy was growing and was almost three years old now. Jane had kept her figure and took good care of Boy and Cheetah the chimp. The friendly Elephant keep a close eye on Jane and Boy and seen that no harm came to them.

As time passed, Tarzan Continued to search to find his way home, but that is not easy to do when there is no one to ask directions from. He has wandered about for almost two and a half years and he knew that the sun cane up in the east, but had that Big Bird flew him, north, south, east or west? Being close to the equator the seasons changed very little. Tarzan hadn’t read any books so he wouldn’t have known any of this stuff.

In merry old England, the Queen was being the queen and in Washington DC, nothing had changed with George Bush. He still didn’t know where he was or what was going on around the nation. Could G, W. Bush and Tarzan be related in some way? Tarzan wears his Leopard skin too tight and George has his hair piece on backwards !

One day Tarzan came to a river that appears to run backwards, and the water was cold. This made it even more confusing as to where in God’s country was he? He saw foot prints in the mud that were seven times larger than his own. He had a strange feeling that some one or something was watching him. He decided to leave this place as fast as his feet would carry him. Days later he arrive at a huge lake or was it an ocean! The beach was rugged and covered with debris. This was all new as he had never seen any thing like this before. There was a funny smell in the air, like something rotten, like maybe dead fish. It was then that he noticed more foot prints in the sand, these were even smaller than his.

Did they belong to children or were they the small cannibal people that he once heard about? Tarzan felt a chill travel through his body and decided that he was not going to be the main course at their dinner tonight and never had any spare time to find out for sure. He found an old dead tree trunk laying on the beach that would float, so he got it into the water and started to paddle his way across this body of water. Darkness set in and he needed some sleep. He lashed himself to the tree and slept and floated through out the night. Day light was slow to come and it made the night much too long. It would have been better if the sun had never came up, as for what he saw with daylight was enough to make any man surrender himself to the Devil .

There were thousands, maybe millions of Man Eating Sharks, Sting Rays, Fish of every kind and some of the meanest looking sea devils ever seen by man, all circling around this dark clouded area, like the asteroid rings around a planet in space. He was like being sucked into a whirlpool of destruction never seen before. Tarzan tried to back paddle and escape, but was sucked into the ring with all those dangers. Each species were attacking and biting off pieces off the tree trunk and it got smaller and smaller. But as you know, Tarzan always has a trick or two up his sleeve. Okay! we all know that Tarzans costume doesn’t have sleeves .

He once used a trick where he used the backs of Crocodile and their heads as stepping stones to get across a river and was willing to try it here. He took one deep breath and off he went, so fast them killers didn’t know what was happening. Once he found solid footing he took another deep breath and let himself relax. What I can’t figure out is: How did Tarzan know there was land to be found in that fog bank?

Tarzan was getting hungry as he hadn’t had anything to eat for several days. He thought he could smell food cocking and set off walking towards where the smell was coming from. As he got closer, he could hear voices of laughter, squealing and giggling of girls.

But that smell of food was most important thing on his mind. As he struggled toward the fire and the cooking food, the girls were startled when he appeared, they backed away and gathered in one large group. Someone yelled ‘It’s a Man’ They had all heard stories about men that have been passed on from one generation to the next. That was when they all rushed him and wanted to get their hand on him and maybe a small piece of him! Little did Tarzan know, he now faced the most dangerous time in his life. He had to fight to survive, but Tarzan would never strike a female, especially ones so young and pretty.

Now I have no idea how this story is going to end, it will be as much a surprise to me as it will be to you! Tarzan was given a Golden Robe to ware and a Throne to set upon, He has no teeth left and only weights one hundred and five pounds. He now has somewhere in the neighborhood of 429 wives and has to be carried everywhere. Jane moved on to England and married a Sir Raymond Mush, Boy is running a Pub in Ireland and Cheetah is still in the jungle, too old to swing in trees and is toothless. The friendly elephant went to the bone yards for elephant, where ever that is.

A Blond by the name of Madeline Albright is now the President of the United States and the Democrat and Republican parties no longer exist. Most laws have been abolished and marriages are no longer necessary. The IRS is healthier than ever and No one knows how much the National debt was before it disappeared and if you ask anyone if they remember George Bush, or Micky Mouse, They will Say "WHO”. Back in Merry old England, The Queen is still The Queen of England, She still has all of her own teeth and a Dental plan that exceeds all others.

Will there be another part to this story, “Don’t ask Me?”

Me, I am only the writer "Ben"